The Death of Literature Twilight
by The Amazing Nerdette
Summary: Twilight, from my perspective. This is a parody because I mock Twilight without a second thought. Tragedy because it's Twilight, and it's a tragedy that this is in print and selling. Don't hate the hater, hate your genetics. T for language.
1. Preface

I apologize to all the little Twilighters I'll offend in this fanfiction. I do not own Twilight (THANK GOD) or any other form of it. The comments are specifically my own and I hope that those who hate Twilight will be mildly entertained. If you love Twilight and think vampires sparkle, then get out and go read My Immortal or something. Please enjoy my humble bashing of Twilight. ~The Amazing Nerdette

PREFACE

I'd never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months-

_Holy shit guys. This girl is suicidal!_

but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

I stared without breathing across the long room, into the eyes of a dark hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.

Surely it was a good day to die, in the place of someone else, someone I lived. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.

I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death right now.

_Lol…Forks…_

But, terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonably to grieve when it comes to an end.

_Um…yeah, it's totally reasonable. Human nature dictates that we will always want more. And when someone takes that more away, whether they are human or God himself, it's natural to miss what you had and crave for it to return. For example, if your childhood was absolutely fantastic, even beyond your wildest dreams where you can be free to be who you are, and suddenly you turn 20, and everyone expects you to be mature, naturally you would yearn for your childhood. Hell, I grieve my childhood whenever I hear the Disney opening playing! And if that isn't reasonable, then Bella must be Jesus._

The hunter smiled in a friendly way

_Brilliant writing. Just brilliant._

as he sauntered forward to kill me.


	2. First Sight Part 1

I don't own Twilight (thankfully), and all opinions are strictly my own. If you have a problem with that, don't take it out on me. Deal with it, and no I won't pay for your therapy later on in life.

–The Amazing Nerdette

CHAPTER 1. FIRST SIGHT

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down.

_Yes, even her own mother treats her like a dog._

It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt- sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture.

_No hugs or tears needed. All she needs to do to give a goodbye is the sight of her arms. Oh, she's just so thoughtful._

My carry-on item was a parka.

In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds.

_Van Helsing, you have your destination. _

It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.

_I actually looked this up. According to a recent study, Mobile, AL is the wettest city in the US with 67 inches of rainfall every year. Take that Bella and shove it where the sun don't shine. _

It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.

_Who knew that Bella's mom was a prison bitch?_

It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the summer I finally decided to put my foot down; these past three summers my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.

_Wow. What a little bitch! Hope they made her pay for it._

It was to Forks that I not exiled myself- an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

_Then why go? _

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.

"Bella," my mom said to me- that last of a thousand times- before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."

_From an editing standpoint, that is one hell of an awkward sentence. _

My mom looks like me

_WARNING: TOPIC JUMP AHEAD_

except with short hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I ever leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…

_Her mother is either retarded, or five. But anyway, I think that Bella is most definitely being stupid here. Yeah, I understand that she wants to give the lovers their space, but come on. She's hurting her mother! I feel as though she's one of those overly dramatic teenagers that read this god damned series. She thinks she's a fucking martyr! Ah, she pisses me off. Here's a newsflash sister: SHE'S GOING TO GIVE HERSELF CANCER WORRYING ABOUT YOU ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Well, not cancer, but maybe swine flu or AIDS. And anyway, whenever she and Phil want to get it on, couldn't you simply, oh I don't know, go out to the mall or sit moodily in the park, thinking of how deep you are?_

"I want to go," I lied. I'd always been a bad liar, but I'd been saying this lie so frequently that it sounded almost convincing now.

"Tell Charlie I said hi."

"I will."

"I'll see you soon," she insisted. "You can come home whenever you want- I'll come right back as soon as you need me."

_Wait, is the mom going somewhere too? I'm so confused. Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?!_

But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.

_Nah, that's just the alcohol._

"Don't worry about me," I urged. "It'll be great. I love you, Mom."

She hugged me tightly for a minute, and then I got on the plane, and she was gone.

_I can't believe some people think this is better than Jane Austen. _

It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back down to Forks. Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about.

_What, do you think he'll rape you or something?_

Charlie had been fairly nice about the whole thing.

_Hold the FUCK up. You mean YOU were the one who suggested moving in with him?! You spoiled little self-centered bitch! Not only did you make him go to California for two weeks every year, now you just told him 'I'm staying with you. If you complain I'll chop your balls off'. At least, that's how it went down in my head. This girl is just way too much. _

He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence. He'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car.

But it was going to be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose,

_Neither is the author._

and I didn't know what there was to say regardless. I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision- like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks.

_Don't worry. He knows that you're only there as a drug mule._

When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen- just unavoidable.

_Well aren't you the little trouper…_

I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.

_Get it? Because it's a vampire novel! Ha ha ha..._

Charlie was waiting for me with the cruiser. This I was expecting too. Charlie is Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks. My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.

_And that just confirmed my suspicion that she is indeed a drug mule. Anyway, what the hell? This girl is too much, just way too much. Now she's making him buy her a car, just because she doesn't want to be seen riding around in his police car? Talk about a sense of entitlement! I would love to ride in a police car, and I'm older than she is! What a little brat!_

Charlie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled my way off the plane.

_Didn't she say she was fine with planes? I hate this girl._

"It's good to see you Bells," he said, smiling as he automatically caught and steadied me. "You haven't changed much. How's Renée?"

_Anything to direct your attention from this boner you little whore, you._

"Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad."

_Overuse of commas! Minus one literacy point!_

I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face.

I had only a few bags. Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington. My mom and I had pooled out resources to supplement my winter wardrobe, but it was still scanty. It all fit easily into the trunk of the cruiser.

"I found a good car for you, really cheap," he announced when we were strapped in.

_Yeah, because in police cruisers you don't buckle up. You strap yourself in._

"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you' as opposed to just "good car."

_Stop being picky you brat! He's letting you live in his house, he bought you a car, he took you to California. Just take it and be grateful!_

"Well, it's a truck actually, a Chevy."

"Where did you find it?"

"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

_Thank you exposition._

"No."

"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted.

That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from me memory.

_That sounds like she got raped. Fantastic work there Miss. Meyer._

"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond. "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."

"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn't ask.

"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine- it's only a few years old, really."

I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did he buy it?"

_Shut up and take the car you stuck up prick._

"He bought in 1984, I think."

"Did he buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties- or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly.

_Damn… she found out that I was trying to kill her with the car! Plan B!_

"Ch-Dad, I don't really know anything about cars.

_Then what the fuck was with those questions then?! Jesus, this girl is more hypocritical than Sarah Palin._

I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"

_You'll get a free one. This is just a character set up so that we can meet the werewolf dude with the bazillion abs._

"Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore."

O_kay, Bella, so just shut up!_

The thing, I thought to myself…it had possibilities- as a nickname at the very least.

"How cheap is cheap?" After all, that was the part I couldn't compromise on.

"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift."

_Fuck, how much of a push over IS this guy?!_

Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.

_Oops, my bad. He just wants to get in her pants._

Wow. Free.

"You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car."

"I don't mind. I want you to be happy here."

_And to blow me._

He was looking ahead at the road when he said this. Charlie wasn't comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited that from him. So I was looking straight ahead as I responded.

_This makes me cringe just reading it._

"That's really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it." No need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility. He didn't need to suffer along with me. And I never looked a free truck in the mouth- or engine.

_Ha ha ha…?_

"Well, now, you're welcome," he mumbled, embarrassed by my thanks.

_Or turned on. We'll never know._

We exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for conversation. We stared out the windows in silence.

It was beautiful of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green- an alien planet.

_Maybe because it rains all the time Sherlock._

Eventually we made it to Charlie's. He still lived in the small, two-bedroom, house that he'd bought with my mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had- the early ones.

_Didn't you JUST say that?_

There, parked on the street in front of the house that never changed, was my new- well, new to me- truck. It was a faded red color, with big, rounded fenders, and a bulbous cab. To my surprise, I loved it.

_She loves anything big, rounded, and bulbous if you catch my drift._

I didn't know if it would run, but I could see myself in it. Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never gets damaged- the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieced of the foreign car it had destroyed.

_Ah, she's one of those annoying people who slow down to stare at accidents. I now hate her even more._

"Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!" Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful. I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in Charlie's cruiser.

"I'm glad you like it," Charlie said gruffly, embarrassed again.

_God, this guy gets embarrassed a lot. Or he's just really, really horny._

It took only one trip to get all my stuff upstairs. I got the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had belonged to me since I was born.

_But didn't your mom bring you here when you were a few months old? STOP USING SUCH AN AWFUL FALACY!_

The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains around the window- these were all a part of my childhood. The only changed Charlie had ever made were switching the crib for a bed and adding a desk as I grew. The desk now held a second-hand computer, with the phone line for the modem stapled along the floor to the nearest phone jack. This was a stipulation from my mother, so that we could stay in touch easily. The rocking chair from my baby days was still in the corner.

_Is it just me, or does that sound like one hell of an ugly room?_

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.

_Okay, she definitely needs to get over herself. And anyway, doesn't it seem that she got raped by her father in her childhood? The proof is everywhere!_

One of the best things about Charlie is he doesn't hover.

_That's called neglect, children. And it isn't a good thing._

He left me alone to unpack and get settled, a feat that would have been altogether impossible for my mother.

_Remind me why these two bred?_

It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.

_She can only cry right now because her razors are in the bottom of her bag. But seriously, is she trying to piss me off? It's like she's doing this just to get attention and pity, like those annoying girls who always bitch and complain about how much their life sucks when they live in huge mansions with little fluffy dogs named Muffy. I can see much of My Immortal in this book…_

Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven – now fifty-eight – students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here had grown up together – their grandparents had been toddlers together.

_Okay, to be fair I'm going to have to agree with her on this one. That is pretty fucking scary._

I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

_Don't push it._

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond – a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps – all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

_People from Phoenix, take offence._

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself – and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

_Scratch the drug mule idea. She's a suicide bomber._

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but I already looked sallower, unhealthy.

_Maybe she has cancer. We can only hope._

My skin could be pretty – it was very clear, almost translucent-looking – but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

_My Immooorrrtalll._

Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page.

_Maybe that's because, I don't know, you treat her like she's a retard?_

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs.

_Stop being such a drama queen! If that's how you always feel, then you would be used to it already! In fact, you would probably seek out others who think like you do. Somehow, I doubt that out of the three thousand kids who went to your school, there wasn't a single one who felt the same way you do. It seems to me that Bella is insinuating that everyone in Phoenix is stupid. Phoenix Offence Count: 2. I somehow feel like this is the other way around though. There were smart, out of the box individuals at her school, but she was too caught up in her pity party to notice._

Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.

_No, that just means you're really really stupid._

But the cause didn't matter. All that mattered was the effect. And tomorrow would be just the beginning.


End file.
